Jan 27, 2012 | Satire
- Located in Adirondack State Park in New York, this cabin is now on sale for $1.75 million. It was constructed on top of a cold-war era missile storage tower and is just perfect in case of a nuclear war or the zombie apocalypse (stock accordingly). Its above ground area is 2,000 square feet (186 square meters), but once you enter the basement, you’ll enjoy another 2,300 square feet (213 square meters).
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- A bird’s eye view of the property.
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- Upstairs room.
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- The entrance to the basement.
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- Basement door.
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- The basement area used to be a launch control center and then was converted into a couple of bedrooms, a dining room and bathrooms.
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- Stairs that lead to the storage tower.
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- Tunnel that leads to the storage tower.
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- Inside the storage tower. Even though it’s now empty, a missile used to be housed inside this nine-story building. And as you can see it is a luxurious and inviting area for the whole family to enjoy the rest of their lives.
Jan 27, 2012 | Satire
August 3, 2011 | ISSUE 47•31
The intoxicated Federal Reserve chairman informs bar patrons of the dangers of reckless spending.
SEWARD, NE—Claiming he wasn’t afraid to let everyone in attendance know about “the real mess we’re in,” Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke reportedly got drunk Tuesday and told everyone at Elwood’s Corner Tavern about how absolutely fucked the U.S. economy actually is.
Bernanke, who sources confirmed was “totally sloshed,” arrived at the drinking establishment at approximately 5:30 p.m., ensconced himself upon a bar stool, and consumed several bottles of Miller High Life and a half-dozen shots of whiskey while loudly proclaiming to any patron who would listen that the economic outlook was “pretty goddamned awful if you want the God’s honest truth.”
“Look, they don’t want anyone except for the Washington, D.C. bigwigs to know how bad shit really is,” said Bernanke, slurring his words as he spoke. “Mounting debt exacerbated—and not relieved—by unchecked consumption, spiraling interest rates, and the grim realities of an inevitable worldwide energy crisis are projected to leave our entire economy in the shitter for, like, a generation, man, I’m telling you.”
Enlarge Image
A drunken Bernanke attempts to find the Aerosmith song “Back In The Saddle” on the bar jukebox.
“And hell, as long as we’re being honest, I might as well tell you that a truer estimate of the U.S. unemployment rate is actually up around 16 percent, with a 0.7 percent annual rate of economic growth if we’re lucky—if we’re lucky,” continued Bernanke, nearly knocking a full beer over while gesturing with his hands. “Of course, if everybody knew that, it would likely cripple financial markets across the entire fucking globe, even in various emerging economies with self- sustaining growth.”
After launching into an extended 45-minute diatribe about shortsighted moves by “those bastards in Congress” that could potentially exacerbate the nation’s already deeply troublesome budget imbalance, the Federal Reserve chairman reportedly bought a round of tequila shots for two customers he had just met who were seated on either side of him, announcing, “I love these guys.”
Numerous bar patrons slowly nodded in agreement as Bernanke went on to suggest the United States could pass three or four more stimulus packages and “it wouldn’t even matter.”
“You think that’s going to create long-term economic growth, let alone promote job creation?” Bernanke said. “We’re way beyond that, my friend. There are no jobs, okay? There’s nothing. I think that calls for another drink, don’t you?”
While using beer bottles and pretzel sticks in an attempt to explain to the bartender the importance of infusing $650 billion into the bond market, the inebriated Fed chairman nearly fell off his stool and had to be held up by the patron sitting next to him.
Another bargoer confirmed Bernanke stood about 2 inches from her face and sprayed her with saliva, claiming inflation was going to “totally screw” consumer confidence and then asking if he could bum a smoke.
“Sure, we could hold down long-term interest rates and pursue a program of quantitative easing, but c’mon, we all know that’s not going to make the slightest bit of difference when it comes to output, demand, or employment,” Bernanke said before being told to “try to keep [his] voice down” by the bartender. “And trust me, with the value of the U.S. dollar in the toilet, import costs going through the roof, and numerous world governments unprepared for their own substantial debt burdens, shit’s not looking too good for us abroad, either.”
“God, I’m so wasted,” added Bernanke, resting his head on the bar.
Later in the evening, Richard Kampman, a truck driver who was laid off in 2010, said Bernanke approached him in the men’s restroom and attempted to strike up a conversation about various factors contributing to the current financial crisis.
“He stumbled up to the urinal and started mumbling on about the depressed housing sector or something,” said Kampman, who claimed Bernanke had to use both hands on the wall to steady himself. “Then after a while he just sort of stopped and I couldn’t tell if he was laughing or crying.”
“Then he puked all over the sink and the mirror,” Kampman added.
Customers at the bar told reporters the “shitfaced” and disruptive Bernanke refused to pay for his drinks with U.S. currency, claiming it was “worthless.” Witnesses also confirmed that near the end of the evening, Bernanke put money into the jukebox and selected Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” to play five times in a row.
“This is what it’s all about,” said Bernanke, who reportedly danced alone in the middle of the dark tavern. “Fucking love this song.”
http://www.theonion.com/articles/drunken-ben-bernanke-tells-everyone-at-neighborhoo,21059/
Jan 26, 2012 | Anonymous, Satire
ANONYMOUS Service (a CIA Job Post ‘Spoof”)
The Ultimate International Career
The Internet’s ANONYMOUS LEGION is the front-line source of ANONYMOUS information on critical international developments, from hacking and weapons of mass distraction to information warfare and political issues. The mission often requires ANONYMOUS service officers to live and work overseas, making a true commitment to the LEGION. This is more than just a job – it’s a way of life that challenges the deepest resources of personal skillz, self-reliance and responsibility. National ANONYMOUS Service Officers are individuals with varied backgrounds and life experiences, professional and educational histories, language capabilities, and other elements that allow us to meet our mission critical objectives.
ANONYMOUS SERVICE POSITIONS
Operations Officer
Operations Officers serve on the front lines of the social engineering business by ANONYMOUSly recruiting and handling sources of electronic data. It takes special skillz and professional discipline to establish strong human relationships that result in high-value data from ANONYMOUS sources. An Operations Officer must be able to deal with fast-moving, ambiguous and unstructured situations. This requires physical and psychological health, energy, intuition, “street sense” and the ability to cope with stress. Operations Officers serve the bulk of their time in overseas assignments.
Collection Management Officer
As the link between the ANONYMOUS Service Operations Officer in the field, the HIVE MIND and crowd sources, it is the responsibility of the Collection Management Officer (CMO) to manage the collection, evaluation and dissemination of Internet intelligence information. Managing the collection effort requires determining what global activists need to know and then communicating those requirements to the Operations Officer. To be effective, the CMO must understand ANONYMOUS Service operations and how they are conducted in front of their computers, as well as international issues and operating system environments.
Language Officer
The Language Officer applies advanced computer language skillz, experience and expertise to provide high-quality translation, interpretation and language-related porting for a variety of ANONYMOUS Service operations. In addition to their expert language skillz, Language Officers provide in-depth cultural insight — an important dimension of the job. They also work closely with officers in other ANONYMOUS Service disciplines — particularly field collectors — to support the overall mission of data acquisition. As with other ANONYMOUS Service professions, cross-platform opportunities and certain specialized training are integral elements of the job.
Operations Officer – Specialized Skillz Officer
Specialized Skillz Officers focus on intelligence operations for activists in hazardous and austere overseas environments. Information warfare special operations or rootkit tools experience, previous shenanigans, cyberwarfare service, TOR proficiency, and foreign language proficiency are highly valued.
The ANONYMOUS Life
Operations Officers and Collection Management Officers spend a significant portion of their time in front of their computers. Typically, Operations Officers will serve 60% to 70% of their careers with a can of Red Bull in their hand, while Collection Management Officers will be eating pizza for 30% to 40% of their careers. Staff Operations Officers, although based in the Interwebz, ping overseas on a temporary basis. Language Officers also are primarily based in the Interchoobs, though short-term and some long-term VPN and Proxy opportunities are available.
Officers in each of these careers are under cover. By the very nature of this ANONYMOUS business, officers can expect limited external recognition for themselves and their families. Instead, the LEGION has its own internal promotions, awards and medals, and makes every effort to recognize the accomplishments of its personnel.
In addition to the LULZ, Officers are provided free domain hosting and receive overseas allowances for bittorrent downloads for their children when serving in front of their computers. There are also other benefits, such as pr0n incentives, that Officers can receive depending on their skillz set and position duties. Collectively, the benefits enable Officers to make significant contributions that impact our freedom, and experience a high level of job satisfaction and camaraderie throughout their career.
Is This the Job for You?
Traditionally, we have had an officer corps of considerable diversity in terms of politics, talent, personality, temperament and background. That said, there are some fundamental qualities common to most successful officers, including a strong record of social networking and photoshop achievement, good writing skillz, problem-solving abilities and highly developed interpersonal skillz. Overseas experience and languages are important factors as well. Officers must be perennial students, in the sense that they are required to seek answers, learn other languages and study other cultures to enhance their abilities to deal effectively with foreign cultures and societies.
Getting Started: ANONYMOUS Service Trainee (AST) Program
This is the launching pad for challenging positions in the International ANONYMOUS LEGION, providing new officers an opportunity to follow in the footsteps of today’s senior members. Uniquely qualified trainees are groomed in an intensive year-long training program to prepare them for the foreign-intelligence-collection challenges facing global citizens today.
Jan 26, 2012 | Anonymous, Satire
THE INQUIRER has received exclusive details about what infamous yet little known hacker Louise Boat looks like.
The femme fatale, who apparently leads the hacktivist group Anonymous, reputedly has long, blonde hair and tends to wear pink. She also apparently attempts to disguise her identity by wearing a monocle, top hat and a false moustache, according to sources close to the group.
Our sources informed us that close friends call her Luiz or Lulu, but that often times they try not to call her at all, for fear of being hacked by a certain media empire.
We also received word that the second-in-command goes by the name Lubo. We’re not entirely sure if this is the same person, or even whether it is a real name or an online handle.
One of our sources, Ryan Cleary’s co-conspirator Columbus, told us that Boat is a heavy wine drinker, presumably a way to help her deal with the stress of such a prominent position in the hacking world.
The details we received about Boat were extensive, suggesting that one of her closest aides might have fallen out with her. This inner turmoil in the hacking world previously led to the arrest of Ryan Cleary, so we imagine it’s only a matter of time before the police go after Boat. Some of the details are so shocking we’re not entirely sure it’s responsible to publish them, but we are happy to co-operate with the police if necessary.
Earlier this week, the hacking menace behind all hacks in history was revealed in the guise of Louise Boat. The INQUIRER, via Sky News, brought the news to its readers to warn them of this terror. However, some readers were quick to belittle this serious threat with references to someone called Lulz Boat, who we assume is a relative of Louise.
One emailed comment we received was:
“It’s The Lulz Boat, Lulz meaning laughs. Where the hell are you people getting Louise from? You can’t find hackers if you can’t figure out their names. Say “lulz” repeat after me….Luuuullllzzz….luuuullllzzz. L….U….L….Z. Get it right, at least show some respect, else they might come after you.”
Another told us:
“Its Lulz as in LOL, LULZ, no loiuse. or what every you put. And, it wasn’t Anon.”
We also received comments directly on our exposé, including:
“Sky News and The Inquirer are stupid. If only the industry experts actually knew anything, this would not have happened. The hacker group is know as LulzSec, and their Twitter page is called The Lulz Boat. Another thing: Anonymous has no leader. Anonymous is a movement, not a club. Thank you very little, ‘industry expeerts.'”
And another:
“Nice fail skynews and the Inquirer.”
And one more:
“you people cannot honestly be that stupid. The LULZ BOAT which is Internet lingo for lols, or ‘laugh out loud’ turned internet meme.”
Sufficed to say, while it might be easier to go after relatives of Boat instead of the woman herself, this public disregard for how serious Boat’s crimes are is unsettling. If Boat is allowed to continue her reign of terror unchecked, the internet will soon become no better than the Wild Wild West. µ
http://www.theinquirer.net/inquirer/news/2096036/inquirer-reveals-appearance-hacker-leader-louise-boat?WT.rss_f=&WT.rss_a=The+INQUIRER+reveals+appearance+of+hacker+leader+Louise+Boat
Jul 24, 2011 | Satire, Taboo Terminology
Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism: Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Real World Communism: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need”. Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
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